Worrying, Waiting and Reminiscing

Dear Future,

Today was a bit of a roller coaster for me -a kiddie roller coaster, because it was a bit tame and manageable. As much as I wanted to get up early I didn't. I think I slept just enough, but I noticed it was already past 8:00a.m. and my niece had started her journey from my sister's womb to life.  I was worried because I didn't have any phone call or text from my sister, my mother or brother-in-law. I worried because I thought maybe I should be there. I wanted to be there to greet her. I already made that decision not to. I'm deep in my funk and decided not to officially meet her until about one month after her birth during the holidays. My old self says that I'm being selfish. My new self is saying this is my way of taking care of myself. 

I finally got a call from my brother-in-law who gave me an update and that things were going well so far. They were now just waiting.  I felt better but had to get to the office to take my mind off of worrying about anything going wrong in this birthing process.  It didn't help that, during lunch, I watched an episode of House which ended in a baby being born to a dead mother and being passed on to her late twenty-something sister. My sister eventually called me and she was well and just...waiting...

At least I was able to complete many things today. Things I needed to do and one thing I've needed to do for the longest time. Perhaps I didn't do enough work. That's right, I'm trying to take every minute, every hour I can for myself before another storm hits.  And it will hit.

After grocery store shopping I made a u-turn by crossing an empty parking lot. I was reminded of Sue who used to tell me that was against the law or against the rules.  She always made me go around and drive on the proper pathways even if it was longer.  I tended to even do that on my own long after I broke up with her.  I'm glad now I don't feel the pressure of needing to do this now.

It's funny how any little thing you do throughout your day reminds you of something from your past.  Songs, for instance can be so evil and remind you of horrible fights or times when you were in love but the love is no longer there. Every time I listened to a Chicago song I cried because it reminded me of my Auntie who died of cancer at a very young age.  We used to listen to Chicago all the time when we hung out.  This was the same for funeral hymns. Any hymns that would be played or sung at any funeral -even if I didn't know the person (I would be there to support a friend of course) I would just burst into tears in remembrance of my grandfather's death. My grandfather's wake lasted for what seemed like weeks. It was a lot of crying, singing of hymns and reciting the rosary. 

Now, it's not so bad when I hear funeral songs or Chicago songs because I was able to replace them with different memories. Or is it perhaps I'm less sensitive in that area?  I'm not sure, but I understand that if you replace situations (or songs) with different memories or different meanings, then you won't have the same reaction next it the situation comes up (or song randomly plays). Make sense, no?

I'm not sure if I'm making much sense tonight. I'm tired and at the very last part of the roller coaster where you are just slowly trekking back to the start of the ride. It was a wild ride today. I was worried, I was excited, I was reminded and now I'm sleepy and hungry.  Hmmm...which one to take care of first. Decisions, decisions.

Looking forward to happier days.

K