Pain

Dear Future,

Last night I was reminded of pain. It was prompted by my reading of a friend's blog that talked about suicide. This past year I thought so much about death because I wanted to die. I imagined how I would step onto the train tracks as a passenger train was just about to cross my path. I imagined walking along the beach to turn towards the ocean and walk into the sea. I imagined waiting for the bus and it sides-swiped me. I imagined I forgot what many pills I had taken that day and wouldn't awaken from my sleep that night. After all of these I imagined my funeral and what would happen to my work. Did I collaborate enough with my colleagues so they can carry on my part? How selfish of me. How selfish of me to want to just want to quit because I hurt so much. My chest hurt. My head hurt. My bones ached. My eyes were sore, sagging and wet and my throat swollen from crying. I wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I wanted to rest but I couldn't.

I remember the only time I came close to anything suicidal. It was about nine years ago with Sue who was threatening to leave me. She always had suicidal thoughts. She was bi-polar. She came close to carrying out her thoughts, but in the end she became scared. Her wanting to leave me hurt my chest, hurt my head, swelled my eyes so much I found a shard of glass in the garage where we fought. I took it to my wrist and threatened her to hurt myself if she left. I cried that if she left it wouldn't be worth living for me. I told her what more do I have to do if she were gone? She didn't believe me at first. This was a first for her -for me to threaten her with my own life. Before I would just cry, block the door, hide the car keys so she wouldn't leave. So I did it. I took the sorry ass piece of glass and cut myself.  I wanted to break the skin but I was scared. At the same time I wanted to feel the pain on my wrist so I didn't have to feel the pain in my chest, my throat and my head. The shard wasn't even sharp enough to break my skin. Loser. I couldn't even do that correctly. The shard at  least scratched me enough to show Sue how serious I was for the five years we had been together. I don't really remember what happened after that. I'm not sure if she had asked me how it felt afterward or if she just stopped me then.  All I know is that I endured more and more pain for four years after this.

Last night I described to a friend that going through the pain I went through this past year was like giving birth to a baby.  I've never been pregnant, but the goal I achieved with my team this past summer was my baby.  Once my baby had been born, I looked at it and it smiled.  I smiled back. The pain was mostly gone.

I hope you are pain-free now,

K