Dear Future,
I don't know what you look like. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you're doing. I just know you exist.
Living life in the present without a goal or dream is difficult. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what to do. Perhaps that's why I'm told I'm going through a major depression episode. I attend a weekly group about boundary building for women. I'm taking anti-depressants. I'm attending a weekly class to "manage" my depression. I'm periodically seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist. I'm not sad. I'm not entirely happy. I'm content.
Before I went to seek help I wasn't sure I wasn't depressed. I thought maybe I was just lost. Okay, maybe a little depressed. I even googled my symptoms to see what was going on with me. Looking at the list of depression types I told myself major depression wasn't what I was going through.
I thought I wanted to go to therapy so I can learn how to balance my life. Then the therapist told me my imbalance stems from not having any boundaries, hence the boundaries group. Well shit, my psychiatrist told me I'm majorly depressed and my therapist told me I have boundaries issues and I'm still a co-dependent. I'm worse than I thought. Or are they just labeling me? Whatever, I'm screwed up.
Perhaps if I learned my lessons as a Sim in balancing life, my own real life will be balanced. It was always about someone else in the past. Now it's about me. However, it seems more difficult to take care of me than someone else. Yet, this is probably how I ended up here in the first place. Not only having my life be about someone else all the time, but learning that it was about others as I grew up. And when I say "it" I mean "life."
Now, my hunger satisfaction levels are decreasing. I must eat something or else I will get cranky and hurt those around me. It's time to take care of me.
I'll write again soon. Take care for now,
K
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