Worrying, Waiting and Reminiscing

Dear Future,

Today was a bit of a roller coaster for me -a kiddie roller coaster, because it was a bit tame and manageable. As much as I wanted to get up early I didn't. I think I slept just enough, but I noticed it was already past 8:00a.m. and my niece had started her journey from my sister's womb to life.  I was worried because I didn't have any phone call or text from my sister, my mother or brother-in-law. I worried because I thought maybe I should be there. I wanted to be there to greet her. I already made that decision not to. I'm deep in my funk and decided not to officially meet her until about one month after her birth during the holidays. My old self says that I'm being selfish. My new self is saying this is my way of taking care of myself. 

I finally got a call from my brother-in-law who gave me an update and that things were going well so far. They were now just waiting.  I felt better but had to get to the office to take my mind off of worrying about anything going wrong in this birthing process.  It didn't help that, during lunch, I watched an episode of House which ended in a baby being born to a dead mother and being passed on to her late twenty-something sister. My sister eventually called me and she was well and just...waiting...

At least I was able to complete many things today. Things I needed to do and one thing I've needed to do for the longest time. Perhaps I didn't do enough work. That's right, I'm trying to take every minute, every hour I can for myself before another storm hits.  And it will hit.

After grocery store shopping I made a u-turn by crossing an empty parking lot. I was reminded of Sue who used to tell me that was against the law or against the rules.  She always made me go around and drive on the proper pathways even if it was longer.  I tended to even do that on my own long after I broke up with her.  I'm glad now I don't feel the pressure of needing to do this now.

It's funny how any little thing you do throughout your day reminds you of something from your past.  Songs, for instance can be so evil and remind you of horrible fights or times when you were in love but the love is no longer there. Every time I listened to a Chicago song I cried because it reminded me of my Auntie who died of cancer at a very young age.  We used to listen to Chicago all the time when we hung out.  This was the same for funeral hymns. Any hymns that would be played or sung at any funeral -even if I didn't know the person (I would be there to support a friend of course) I would just burst into tears in remembrance of my grandfather's death. My grandfather's wake lasted for what seemed like weeks. It was a lot of crying, singing of hymns and reciting the rosary. 

Now, it's not so bad when I hear funeral songs or Chicago songs because I was able to replace them with different memories. Or is it perhaps I'm less sensitive in that area?  I'm not sure, but I understand that if you replace situations (or songs) with different memories or different meanings, then you won't have the same reaction next it the situation comes up (or song randomly plays). Make sense, no?

I'm not sure if I'm making much sense tonight. I'm tired and at the very last part of the roller coaster where you are just slowly trekking back to the start of the ride. It was a wild ride today. I was worried, I was excited, I was reminded and now I'm sleepy and hungry.  Hmmm...which one to take care of first. Decisions, decisions.

Looking forward to happier days.

K

Pain

Dear Future,

Last night I was reminded of pain. It was prompted by my reading of a friend's blog that talked about suicide. This past year I thought so much about death because I wanted to die. I imagined how I would step onto the train tracks as a passenger train was just about to cross my path. I imagined walking along the beach to turn towards the ocean and walk into the sea. I imagined waiting for the bus and it sides-swiped me. I imagined I forgot what many pills I had taken that day and wouldn't awaken from my sleep that night. After all of these I imagined my funeral and what would happen to my work. Did I collaborate enough with my colleagues so they can carry on my part? How selfish of me. How selfish of me to want to just want to quit because I hurt so much. My chest hurt. My head hurt. My bones ached. My eyes were sore, sagging and wet and my throat swollen from crying. I wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I wanted to rest but I couldn't.

I remember the only time I came close to anything suicidal. It was about nine years ago with Sue who was threatening to leave me. She always had suicidal thoughts. She was bi-polar. She came close to carrying out her thoughts, but in the end she became scared. Her wanting to leave me hurt my chest, hurt my head, swelled my eyes so much I found a shard of glass in the garage where we fought. I took it to my wrist and threatened her to hurt myself if she left. I cried that if she left it wouldn't be worth living for me. I told her what more do I have to do if she were gone? She didn't believe me at first. This was a first for her -for me to threaten her with my own life. Before I would just cry, block the door, hide the car keys so she wouldn't leave. So I did it. I took the sorry ass piece of glass and cut myself.  I wanted to break the skin but I was scared. At the same time I wanted to feel the pain on my wrist so I didn't have to feel the pain in my chest, my throat and my head. The shard wasn't even sharp enough to break my skin. Loser. I couldn't even do that correctly. The shard at  least scratched me enough to show Sue how serious I was for the five years we had been together. I don't really remember what happened after that. I'm not sure if she had asked me how it felt afterward or if she just stopped me then.  All I know is that I endured more and more pain for four years after this.

Last night I described to a friend that going through the pain I went through this past year was like giving birth to a baby.  I've never been pregnant, but the goal I achieved with my team this past summer was my baby.  Once my baby had been born, I looked at it and it smiled.  I smiled back. The pain was mostly gone.

I hope you are pain-free now,

K

J'ai faim

Dear Future,

I don't know what you look like. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you're doing.  I just know you exist. 

Living life in the present without a goal or dream is difficult. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what to do. Perhaps that's why I'm told I'm going through a major depression episode. I attend a weekly group about boundary building for women. I'm taking anti-depressants. I'm attending a weekly class to "manage" my depression. I'm periodically seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist. I'm not sad. I'm not entirely happy. I'm content.

Before I went to seek help I wasn't sure I wasn't depressed. I thought maybe I was just lost. Okay, maybe a little depressed. I even googled my symptoms to see what was going on with me. Looking at the list of depression types I told myself major depression wasn't what I was going through.  

I thought I wanted to go to therapy so I can learn how to balance my life. Then the therapist told me my imbalance stems from not having any boundaries, hence the boundaries group. Well shit, my psychiatrist told me I'm majorly depressed and my therapist told me I have boundaries issues and I'm still a co-dependent. I'm worse than I thought.  Or are they just labeling me? Whatever, I'm screwed up.

Perhaps if I learned my lessons as a Sim in balancing life, my own real life will be balanced. It was always about someone else in the past. Now it's about me. However, it seems more difficult to take care of me than someone else. Yet, this is probably how I ended up here in the first place.  Not only having my life be about someone else all the time, but learning that it was about others as I grew up.  And when I say "it" I mean "life."

Now, my hunger satisfaction levels are decreasing.  I must eat something or else I will get cranky and hurt those around me. It's time to take care of me.

I'll write again soon. Take care for now,

K

Cadwell, Kitty Cadwell

Cadwell is the name of the street I grew up on and Kitty is the name of my first pet -I had a dog.  I'm a 32-year-old, single, American-Filipina-Irish Lesbian Cancer who occasionally is entertained by boys.  I was given 20,000 simoleons (the currency of my land) to start my new life and now I have less than 200. 


In the town of Pleasantview, I just bought my house for 11,000 simoleans. I furnished my tiny house (30 X 20 -most likely Sim feet because I can't fit a full length couch in it) with a fancy dining table, two gaudy chairs, a pink refrigerator (a mistake), a luscious bed, and a cheap desk with an expensive computer. I also had to buy some other essentials: a smoke detector or else my house could burn down, a phone so my job can call me or I can call my fortune teller, lighting (otherwise the "environment" in your house would be dreadful and my mood can go sour), and other plants and such to liven up the place.  Oh yes!  I also purchased an easel and canvas so I can paint.  Yes, I furnished the place so I can ensure that I can meet my basic needs such as building and maintaining energy and maximizing my comfort, but my furniture and decor just don't match.  =(  

However, I'm attempting to live a life of pleasure.  Hence, the painting and the computer for games.  I tried to buy a karaoke machine but it was very expensive and wouldn't fit in my small living space.  Perhaps when I start my job as a scientist for 210 simoleans a day tomorrow I can save up to sing. I'll also be able to get furniture that will match beautifully.


Never mind my abode for now.  I already met a few neighbors!  I met two gentlemen and a woman.  This excited me as we chatted and I entertained her but I don't remember her name.  Nina maybe?  Well, I don't know much yet about her but we seem to hit it off well.  


In the middle of our conversation a fortune teller came to solicit her services, but I ignored her so I can talk to Nina(?), the woman.  The fortune teller left her calling card and said that if I don't find love I should call her.  Whatever... me having trouble finding love?  I'm great at finding love.  They just don't end up well.  Therefore, I will live a life of pleasure, a life of Sim.